And yes I might have lied to you, but you wouldn’t benefit from knowing the truth.

september 9, 2012

I see others continue with their lives (which gets better by day) and I tend to get a little jealous, yes. My life gets worse, day by day. I guess I’m just feeling alone and I have the feeling that I keep losing people. I’m afraid that soon everything will be so different, and that there is nobody left. I’m afraid that soon I’ll lose someone that means my life to me and I hate that thought. I don’t know what to do right now, I don’t know how to keep people close to me. I can’t survive on my own, I’ve tried but I failed. I may say that I want to be alone, but I don’t. I need others so bad right now but I just don’t want to admit it. I don’t want to be the center of attention and I don’t want people to talk about me or about what’s happening right now but there is nothing I can do about it. At the moment I’m listening to sad songs and crying hunderd oceans and I can’t stop myself. A lot changed last week, and within 2 weeks everything will be changed. I don’t know if I can call this place home anymore. I want to get away from this fucking life and even though my life seems perfect from the outside, it for sure is not perfect. It is horrible, really horrible. I swear, you do not want to be me. The wrong things happen at the wrong time, and to be honest, it’s never the right time for these things to happen. I wish that I had someone to hold on to, just like I see others have someone, but I don’t so I have to do it by myself. The best laid plans fall apart in my hands and good intensions never end the way I meant (yes I’m listening to James Blunt). this part refers to my life. Anyways, I  used to feel save in this place called ‘home’ but right now it’s nothing more than a house filled with awefull memories. Things I thought, things that happened, things I was afraid for to happen.. Can you imagine what it must be like if something or someone that you see everyday suddenly is gone? I’ve seen this person for all my life every single day and I can’t stand the thought of how thats gone suddenly. It’s really hard to see others being happy with their lives and I don’t mean that I don’t want them to be, because they  have every right to be happy! It’s just that it is really hard for me at the moment. No, honestly, it has always been hard for me. I’ve never felt that happy and I’m starting to believe that I’ll never will be. I feel like I’m just a bunch of crap that nobody cares about. (No, I don’t want messages like “noo, you’re not”, “you are awesome, cheer up sweety” or “don’t say these things about yourself, you’re not worth it”. I’m sure you wrote that with good intentions but it honestly does not change my life, no matter how bad I want it to, so I’m sorry). Shall I jump out of college? It’s not what I want anyways. I’ll never be as good as others and I’m not that motivated. Ugh life is so hard and it’s filled with false promises that you should be aware of. This here is life, not a fairytale. Life is unfair. The lives we live here are evaluated from the microscopic micro-organisms to these monsters that we are right now. If you look at life with that in the back of your mind, you’ll find out that we are all a bunch of fools, worrying about the newest clothes and not finishing your project on time. Well I can tell you that if you get sick, nothing matters anymore. The closest environment will be shocked (me) and will never look at life the same again. Everything is going to change in my life within 2 weeks. To me, that thought is horrible. I’ve always been stuck in this moment of life, the only thing that kept going on was time. I should move on but I’ve tried and I can’t do it if I’m alone. I just can’t. No matter how hard I try, I failed everytime. 

From all of this I want to leave you a message: Keep going on. Never, never, NEVER stick to the old, because if something happens unexpectedly, it is going to be way harder then when you’re used to changes. I’m not used to changes and I’m struggeling right now. I don’t know if I’m depressed (I’ve never had it tested so I think it’s disrespectful to say that I am) but from everything I’ve read in my books, I think I might have a small chance that I am. So stick to the old if you want to end up like me *sarcastic smile*.

You know, writing and sharing this shit is not going to change anything about the current situation, I know. It just makes me feel better and I wanted to let you know that you shouldn’t hold on to the old things. Always move on, but don’t let your actions hurt others. And think before you (fucking) speak. You don’t know what the other person went through. Nobody knows what I went through (there is 1 person in this world who knows a little more, but (s)he still doesn’t know the whole story). It’s okay to share your opinon, just know what you’re talking about and show them that it is an OPINION. 

Well I’ve said more than enough. My tears have dried, my head is cleared, so now I’m going to continue with studying. Goodluck with the rest of your happy lives and may your life not be as damned as mine.

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