I like to be loved..

december 29, 2012

When is it time you need to look for help? I’m constantly fighting with myself and it doesn’t matter how it ends, I never win. I lock myself in my room and I try not to talk to anyone. I barely talk to my parents. I’m wasting every minute, I do nothing. I’m not productive at all. The only thing I do is thinking about my future. And that makes me miserable because I know that if I continue this way, I have no future. I am at the stage to contact someone for a room so that I can move out.. No i just clicked it away, I am to afraid.. I can’t do it, I’m not capable of having a room.. I can’t afford it and I’m just afraid that it’s not my thing.. I don’t like going out and I am not that social so I don’t know what to do.. I’ve been crying for the whole day in my room because of everything that I can’t and that I don’t have. I don’t have a job, I dont have real friends I see often, I don’t have a really loving family and I don’t have a place that feels like home (as in; where I can be happy). And with that comes the fact that I really hate my sister. She is the cause of all this and the worst part is that she is happy.. I hear her laugh everywhere and she is always here.. always bothering me I just cant stand it.. And my dad does not want to change and my mum is sick. People think I’m spoiled and that my life is perfect but it really isn’t .I’m not spoiled at all, I have money because I SAVE everything.. My parents pay for my school because they saved the money others gave to videogames etc. I never had all these things. I got pretty much everything from my cousins and I only had cheap stuff. So here is why. They say that the chose for me, so thats why it looks like i have the most loving parents in the world and I also don’t want other parents but they’ve been way to protective. I was not allowed to go out untill I was 16. When I was 16 I had no friends to go out with and when I wanted to go out they said that they prefer not. Now i’m 18, wen out 3 times in my whole life and I barely have friends. Thanks mum and dad. Thank you. And thanks sister for making me so fucking insecure. You know you shouldn’t have said these things. I fucking hate everything and I’m so mad right now. My eyes are tearing again oh god I hope no one walks in.. Fuck my life I feel really miserable. And I feel like a big mistake. I should never even been born. I wish I was like my older twin sisters, they never had a life..

Now my sister has everything she wanted and I have nothing. I have no life. The only ones who would miss me were my parents because I’m not around but thats about it. So yeahh fuck my life.

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