juli 5, 2016
This guy I wrote about last time and me do not have contact anymore. Somehow he does not want to contact me, and I feel the same. I feel extremely lonely sometimes, and I am trying really hard to resist this giant urge to sent him a message, but it hurts. I called him last saturday to ask if he wanted to go for a walk with me, but he picked up the phone and sounded that uninterested that I thought I was only a pain in the ass for him. I thought we would discuss things together, but somehow there is something that keeps being left unsaid. I hate the guts that I lost my buddy, my biggest support in times of pain and sorrow and I hate the promises he made. This is one of the reasons I lose trust in promises; don’t make them when you are not planning on keeping them. The reason that he and I don’t work out is pure rational; when it comes to feelings we are both desperately in love. I hate it that it has to go this way, but I don’t see it working out otherwise.
I wrote a post somewhere on why he is of no good influence on me, and I can’t find it. The only thing I remember is that it was a hell of a list, and everything must weigh up to the opposite side: me liking him and me wanting to spend the rest of my life together. But no, unfortunately I liked him more than I hated his habits, and that just shows how much I cared for this guy. At the moment I can only be angry, how dare he treats me like that. How dare he push me away after all I’ve done for him, how dare he reject me in this way after I told him this only crushes me even more. If I saw him right now I could only be angry, so it’s best for him to not see me for a while.
I refuse to contact him as long as he does not have his life in order. It kills me already, and I care too much about him to lose touch, but I can’t stand this insecurity.