juli 28, 2016
EVERY TIME I have a SHITload to say, and my head is filled with bullshit I need to express, but whenever I take the time to write it down, it suddenly is all gone. I am still waiting on a message from the one I like, and I start to hate him. I know this makes no sens, but seriously, WHY in gods name does he keep me on distance. I HATE thinking about how this used to be. He and I used to be very close and intimate, and he fell in love with me. But somehow I disappointing him or something, because he refuses to contact me. I asked him several times to hang out, and he replies that he is not available (read: he has a hangover, he is chilling with his friends who he never chills with, he is going to his sister who he never sees and in the meantime he is online on Facebook, or he is going to bowl with his colleagues with whom he had a staff party last week also). How much bullshit do I have to believe. I don’t believe anything anymore. We talked about this, he can tell me he found someone else who is way more interesting than me. He can tell me that I bore the shit out of him, he can tell me that I am nothing new and just easy to get in bed with. Whatever other reasons there might be. I don’t believe anything good in him anymore. I want to see him and at the same time I don’t. I want the one to play hard to get. I want to be the one in control. From now on I will not text him anymore, he can eat shit. I tell you, he can eat shit. Most of the time I’m doing fine and I can focus perfectly on my thesis, but at times like this I am just angry as hell. I can’t stand the thought of losing him as a friend, but then he also has to act like a fucking grown up and just tell me what the fuck is going on. Or at least ask me how I am doing. This all has to come from me, and I’m tired of that bullshit. I need to get this of my chest and none of my friends gets it. I fucking hat the asshole I’m in love with. It really is a fine line. I love typing as loudly as possible and I hope my keyboard breaks. I also hope not, because I don’t have the money to buy a new laptop. And I have to write my thesis. Anyways, if I could commit a murder to get his attention I would. I could be so angry with him right now, I just have to get clear whatever I want to say. I should also ask whatever the fuck he wants with me, because at one point he wants to have contact, at the other point he does not. He should stop being such a little cry-ass weed smoking motherfucker, but he should definitely come closer to me. And he should stay away. I don’t know anymore, I should focus on other guys out there. I should really gain more self confidence. BUT WHY THE HELL DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO ALL OF HIS FRIENDS. Jesus Christ, whenever he talks to his ‘friends’, he stays distanced from me. As if they tell him what kind of weird ass influence I have on him. Is that so? Do I? How the hell am I supposed to know the real him if apparently I influence him in a way that his friends don’t seem to know him anymore. I really thought that he was himself around me, he even cried. And got angry at me. Several times. For NO FUCKING REASON. And now I am the one who is angry, and I bet your ass that whenever I show it to him, he is going to break everything with me. Fuck that dude, again, he can eat shit and rot in his apartment. I hope his new sofa’s sit like a wicker bag filled with potatoes. I hope pets pissed on it and the smell is impossible to get out. I really hope it is.